Ever since I gave up my addiction to spider solitaire (shortly after I got back from L.A.) I’ve had to fill the void with something else, and what I’ve been filling it with is knowledge.
I’ve been super curious about all kinds of stuff, reading LOTS of books mostly fiction and reading even more non-fiction in the form of newspaper articles and watching LOTS of self-help documentary stuff, mostly on Oprah’s network.
You never know when you can pick up tidbits of information that you can apply to your own learning process!
Like the other day I was watching Finding Sarah, that whole show centred around the Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson. I only watched this episode because she was training to do an Arctic trek in Northwest Territories. I think she was going to be hauling a sled to the north pole or something ridiculous like that!
I had watched a previous episode, that and the one about Shania Twain, that might as well also have been called Finding Shania! But honestly both of the ladies came across as such total ditzes!
Anyway, getting back to Sarah, there was one point when she was whining so much about the training involved that she went to see Dr. Phil, and he said something to her that, of all things, really resonated with me!
He said that the person who’s been rejected craves acceptance.
Apparently that’s why she compromised herself a few months ago, where she tried to sell access to Prince Andrew (I think that’s the name of her royal ex-hubby) for the sake of a friend who needed the money. She compromised her principles in order to be accepted by her friend.
And I thought, “Bingo!”
That’s precisely what I do so many times, and why it bothers me so much when some people are determined to think the worst of me, no matter how hard I try.
Intellectually we all know certain things.
For instance, I know intellectually that you can’t please everyone. There’s even a song about it that I used to sing to myself when I was growing up.
And yet over and over again, I find myself “re-learning” the lesson.
Which is why there’s a dichotomy in me, where on the one hand I can say, “I’ve made it” when I receive hate mail and on the other hand, a part of me cries out, “Why don’t they like me–I’ve never done anything to them?!”
I even wrote a book about it!
My novel Dahling If You Luv Me Would You Please Please Smile is precisely about seeking approval!
Oh well, guess the rejection scars run deep.
Right back to my infancy when there were people who would not send me to the hospital when I had pneumonia because I was a girl. That’s a sort of rejection, right?
And then growing up in an all white neighborhood being told I was brown because I was dirty.
And oh, stuff like that.
It’s just the stuff I’ve got to get over.
And I am.
It’s just taking longer than I thought.
Two steps forward, one step back–kind of thing.
I want to watch the episode of Finding Sarah where she actually does the Arctic trek. All those muted pastel shades of snow! I have such a fascination for the Arctic!
Can’t help it.
Wouldn’t want to live there, (although at one point of my youth I did dream of moving there) but boy do I love to visit!
The only place in the Arctic that I haven’t been yet is Nunavut.
One day, insha Allah!
4 Responses
Patricia Tilton
22|Sep|2011 1I watched the OWN series on Finding Sarah and thought it was acceptional. Have watched the complete series with my daughter twice. I particularly wanted my daughter to see the series because my daughter has dealt with so much rejection in her lif and become addicted to looking for approval and pleasing people. Dr. Phil and Suzie Orman were tough on her, as was everyone else. Until I saw the show, I never thought of seeking spproval/pleasing people as an addiction. What an eye opener. My daughter is adopted, hearing impaired and has a few other issues. She was bullied throughout middle and high school by peers. And, this is a huge theme in her life at age 27.
Pat
Rukhsana Khan
23|Sep|2011 2But didn’t you think Sarah was rather whiny?
I mean for goodness sakes! She kept throwing a pity party for herself!
And when she asked Oprah or Dr. Phil, can’t remember, how do you get self-esteem I shouted at my T.V. screen, “For goodness sakes lady! You get self esteem by helping people, resisting temptations and doing good things when you could have done bad!”
All this baloney about telling our kids to tell themselves they’re worthy doesn’t work! They have to actually work on being worthy. Then when others make fun of them, they’ll be able to counter that by knowing that hey, they are indeed worthy and those other people mocking them don’t know what they’re talking about.
I know easy for me to talk when I’m constantly trying to please people myself!
But I do want to see the Arctic trek episode.
All the best,
Rukhsana
Patricia Tilton
23|Sep|2011 3Rukhsana,
Remember she has led a privileged life. And, now she is on her own. She may have whined a bit, but I could not have done the physical things that she did in each segment — at least she was honest about how she felt. To me, that made her more real.
But, she was really clueless about what it meant to find self-worth and self-esteem. It’s a journey within that only we can take. She seemed to think it was something that someone would tell her how to find — after a while I got tired of her repeatedly asking everyone. But, as she went through the therapy, I think she began to understand that is was a journey only she could pursue.
The Artic segment is brutal — I could never had the physical stamina to make that trek. I also really liked how she gained the trust of the damaged horse — thought that was powerful.
I think we can do all we can to empower our kids and be role models. But kids today are mean and peer pressure strong. Extended families don’t exist like when we were young. You sound like you did a good job with your daughters, as they do what is best for them.
Best,
Pat
Rukhsana Khan
23|Sep|2011 4Hi Pat,
Haven’t seen all of it yet. I’m looking forward to the Arctic part.
I guess it’s admirable to do that trek, but kind of pointless at the same time.
I read a book called Arabian Sands about Wilfred Theseiger’s trek across the empty quarter in Arabia.
It’s a fascinating read!
A good book you can curl up with in the comfort of your own home and experience thirst and hardship vicariously.
I’m really proud of the fact that I raised my girls to be strong enough to defy me and live their own lives.
They went through their share of bullying. I’m starting to think everyone does and it’s a rite of passage.
All the best,
Rukhsana
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