Sometimes, when I dwell on it, I can’t help cringing about the way I behaved when I was first starting out.

And sometimes, when I’m feeling generous, I don’t even blame that instructor for asking me to leave that writing workshop I’d paid to join.

I made all the typical newbie mistakes. Probably every single one of them.

When I first started writing, I thought this picture book I’d written was better than half the stuff out there, so I sent it off to a publisher and sat back and waited for the cheque.

I did that a few times until it dawned on me that perhaps I would not be receiving multiple offers to publish my cute little picture book about a worm.

Even when I realized that I might not know as much about children’s publishing than I thought I did, and I took some courses, I attended those classes with such a superior attitude, with such confidence in my abilities that I must have been pretty obnoxious.

I hogged the teacher’s attention, I assumed the teacher would like me (they always had in the past) and I wrote tons of stuff and handed it in. In fact I’m pretty sure that I’m personally responsible for a policy that teacher who kicked me out later developed, where he put a limit on how much material could be submitted in a term.

But still, he treated me pretty shabbily, and it makes me laugh to think how hard I made him work.

But there was a conference being held in downtown Toronto, where I really wish I could apologize to the lady.

Her name was Sylvia Funston and she was the senior editor at Owl magazine at the time.

I actually called up Owl a while back and asked if they could forward her this message and they had no forwarding address and couldn’t help me.

But if you’re out there Sylvia Funston, this open letter is for you!

Dear Ms. Funston,

I wanted to thank you for the pains you took to hunt up my submission to Owl Magazine way back at the conference you presented at, oh it must have been in 1995 or something.

I was so keen on coming to your lecture because I had submitted a story idea and was wondering what you were looking for with regards to submissions.

During your talk you  mentioned how the magazine responded in a certain short period of time, I can’t remember what it was, but I knew that my submission had definitely been in the slush pile longer than that, and I called you on it.

You were so gracious! You dug it up and brought it the next day and sat me down one-on-one and explained ever so gently why my submission was too ‘text-bookish’.  (Of course you were right, by the way!)

You were so kind, Ms. Funston and I’m afraid I had no idea ofit at the time.

I thought a lot of editors had oodles of time and would have done the same thing under the same circumstances.

I remember feeling all bitter inside because first of all you were obviously rejecting me (actually I know now that you were simply rejecting my work but I didn’t think so back then) and secondly you had shown me how weak my writing really was.

I’m afraid I did more than not thank you for your kindness. I’m afraid I said some things that were in fact quite bitter and ungrateful.

I saw this look come over your face, almost like a sigh, and I thought it odd, but I didn’t forget it.

I want you to understand that I was suffering under the weight of my own emotional baggage at the time.

I’d always had so many people, including family members, tell me that I’d never make it as an author (Look at the way you dress!) my first suspicion was that I was being rejected, once again, because somehow some of my ethnicity had come through.

It was a chip on my shoulder that I have since had removed, but at the time, I’m afraid it weighed me down quite heavily and caused me to see the world in a rather skewed manner.

Of course this doesn’t excuse my behaviour to you, but I do hope you understand and accept my apology.

Wow, you were really generous with your time! And like so many good deeds, it didn’t go unpunished.

But one thing has come out of it, Ms. Funston.

When a newbie accosts me now with a story; when I have to gently explain to them where their writing is trite and/or improbable and/or just plain inappropriate for the marketplace; and when they get all huffy and march off like I’ve done them a personal indignity; I always remember you, and your kindness and your patience, and I try to take your example in my dealings with them.

For that, I thank you, Ms. Funston.

And I wish you all the very best!!!

Sincerely,

Rukhsana Khan