Ever since I gave up my addiction to spider solitaire (shortly after I got back from L.A.) I’ve had to fill the void with something else, and what I’ve been filling it with is knowledge.

I’ve been super curious about all kinds of stuff, reading LOTS of books mostly fiction and reading even more non-fiction in the form of newspaper articles and watching LOTS of self-help documentary stuff, mostly on Oprah’s network.

You never know when you can pick up tidbits of information that you can apply to your own learning process!

Like the other day I was watching Finding Sarah, that whole show centred around the Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson. I only watched this episode because she was training to do an Arctic trek in Northwest Territories. I think she was going to be hauling a sled to the north pole or something ridiculous like that!

I had watched a previous episode, that and the one about Shania Twain, that might as well also have been called Finding Shania! But honestly both of the ladies came across as such total ditzes!

Anyway, getting back to Sarah, there was one point when she was whining so much about the training involved that she went to see Dr. Phil, and he said something to her that, of all things, really resonated with me!

He said that the person who’s been rejected craves acceptance.

Apparently that’s why she compromised herself a few months ago, where she tried to sell access to Prince Andrew (I think that’s the name of her royal ex-hubby) for the sake of a friend who needed the money. She compromised her principles in order to be accepted by her friend.

And I thought, “Bingo!”

That’s precisely what I do so many times, and why it bothers me so much when some people are determined to think the worst of me, no matter how hard I try.

Intellectually we all know certain things.

For instance, I know intellectually that you can’t please everyone. There’s even a song about it that I used to sing to myself when I was growing up.

And yet over and over again, I find myself “re-learning” the lesson.

Which is why there’s a dichotomy in me, where on the one hand I can say, “I’ve made it” when I receive hate mail and on the other hand, a part of me cries out, “Why don’t they like me–I’ve never done anything to them?!”

I even wrote a book about it!

My novel Dahling If You Luv Me Would You Please Please Smile is precisely about seeking approval!

Oh well, guess the rejection scars run deep.

Right back to my infancy when there were people who would not send me to the hospital when I had pneumonia because I was a girl. That’s a sort of rejection, right?

And then growing up in an all white neighborhood being told I was brown because I was dirty.

And oh, stuff like that.

It’s just the stuff I’ve got to get over.

And I am.

It’s just taking longer than I thought.

Two steps forward, one step back–kind of thing.

I want to watch the episode of Finding Sarah where she actually does the Arctic trek. All those muted pastel shades of snow! I have such a fascination for the Arctic!

Can’t help it.

Wouldn’t want to live there, (although at one point of my youth I did dream of moving there) but boy do I love to visit!

The only place in the Arctic that I haven’t been yet is Nunavut.

One day, insha Allah!