I don’t miss D. after all.

I was thinking about what I wrote last night, (too often I say things impulsively which is bound to get me in trouble in the blogosphere!) and when I wrote that I missed her, I meant it at the time.

But now, not so much.

What would I do if D. did email me?

I have to admit I have a petty streak that’s most unbecoming. My first instinct, would be to ignore her email. Or at least wait a while before I responded.

If she apologized, then definitely I’d accept it and move on from there. But if she hemmed and hawed and tried to shift blame, then the apology would certainly be diluted. I’d just move on.

In fact, it occurs to me that I hadn’t thought of D. for years. The last time was when I encountered a book of hers in a school library where I was presenting. (By the way, the book was charming!)

Thinking of Linda though, made me automatically think of her. Kind of a yin and yang, positive and negative, white and black kind of thing.

But personally I’ve moved on.

Besides it’s pretty pathetic to miss someone who did this to you. 

I learned long ago not to chase after people to like me.

In grade eight, I was so painfully lonely that I started hanging around with a group of three girls whom I didn’ t really like but who were better than nothing.

We were all going to the same high school so on the day of orientation, we hung around and decided to walk home instead of waiting for the bus.

Before we were going to walk home we went to the bathroom and while I was still in the stall, the three of them ran out. I heard them leaving, so I hurried up and ran after them, calling, “Wait for me!”

The fat one turned her head, saw me chasing them, laughed even harder and started running faster.

I stopped running and slowly walked back to the new high school I’d be attending in September.

I sat on the front steps waiting for the school bus and all the time I was waiting I saw myself pathetically running after these girls.

They weren’t even part of the popular group. They were just a bunch of losers.

And the worst thing was I ended up missing the school bus. I didn’t know you caught it at the back of the school, not the front. All the long walk home, I kept reliving what had just happened.

And I decided I’d never chase after anyone to be my friend again.

The idea of  ‘missing’ D. makes me feel the same way.

And yet now I have no problem making friends.

It reminds me of this very flamboyant lady I knew for just a week or so in South Texas. She was originally from Puerto Rico, she was part of the committee that was hosting my author visit and she loved wearing red, I can see her before me but for the life of me I can’t remember her name.

She was kind enough to take me on a shopping trip into Reynosa, Mexico, just across the border. We were sipping iced tea in a Mexican cafe and talking about friendships and she said something I’ll never forget. She said there are friends for a reason and friends for a season. And that right then, for that week, we were friends for a reason.

I had never heard that expression before. It basically means that sometimes you’re friends with someone because you have something in common–friends for a reason, and sometimes through no fault on either side, you move on–friends for a season.

I was friends with D. during a time when we were just starting out on our publishing careers. And at this point in my life, I really don’t care if she ever comes back.

 And now, with age, I guess, I’ve learned also not to worry if I make enemies.

But still… I have an apology to make. In my original post of R-E-S-P-E-C-T where I talked about gripers, I deliberately made reference to something another author said. It was a private conversation, and I wasn’t supposed to divulge that, at least in a way that anyone could have known who I was talking about.

It made me feel uncomfortable after I wrote it, and even the next day, that should have been enough of a clue that it was wrong of me.

I am sorry for any pain or hurt that I caused, and I will try very hard not to single out anyone like that again.

I’ve since modified what I wrote, in the hopes that it doesn’t point a finger at anyone just like I modified the Anti-Linda Smith  post so that D.’s identity is more ambiguous.

I know some people won’t believe that my intentions were not to put anyone down. I’m really only talking about myself and my reactions to others’ behaviours.

It’s too late for people who’ve already read the offending posts, but perhaps future readers will be spared.

Like I said, this is a learning curve for me.

I’m bound to make mistakes, just like I always do, and when I do, I’ve found the best thing is to apologize, make amends and try not to do it again.