That I described myself as ‘devastated’ yesterday even though I complained a few days ago about doing just that?

It was when I was talking about being asked to leave (being dumped) from that writer’s workshop class I had paid to join.

I will explain in case anyone wants to call me on it because if I were reading it, I’d want to. I’m not sure I would, since it’s not quite considered polite, but I’d definitely WANT to call me on it.

I really dislike the idea of using words like devastated to describe emotional events. But in this case, I was writing about a time when I would have used that word to describe my state at the time. It was before I got ‘enlightened’ to where I am now.

Which inevitably means that one day I’m sure I’ll reread my comments from today and cringe at what I’m writing at this moment.

Ah, hindsight is twenty-twenty.

I guess it would be wise of me to gloss over these little faux pas of mine, but since I can’t stand it when the talking heads on T.V. gloss over their stupid remarks of the past, then I think it would be hypocritical to gloss over mine.

I remember yelling at the T.V. screen when Rumsfeld was talking about invading Iraq because it was a threat and had invaded two of its neighbours previously and used nerve gas on the Kurds. (He had the nerve to say these things, including mentioning the invasion of Iran, which was invaded with full backing by the U.S.!!! And he acted like he didn’t even remember the U.S. going to the U.N. to protect Saddam Hussein from censure for gassing the Kurds!)

I hate it when they ignore things they’ve said in the past so I’m trying not to do that myself. At least without explaining myself.

Gandhi called it being the change you want to see in the world.

A while ago, when the twins were still in high school, they brought home an interesting assignment. It was based on something that L.M. Montgomery had done for herself.

Apparently she’d written a letter to her future self to be opened and read when she was twenty-five. In the letter she begged herself not to be too ‘grown up’ or stiff and formal. To remember to laugh and not be too severe.

So my daughters did the assignment and I got to thinking what I would have said to my future self.

And here’s the letter I’m writing to myself when I get to the age of fifty God willing (in a bit more than two years). Hopefully I’ll still be blogging and I can always look back at this archive.

March, 2012

Dear Rukhsana,

Now that you’re fifty, half a century, take a moment and assess what it feels like.

Do you feel any different from when you were seventeen?

What about from when you were twent-five?

Do you feel…OLD???

Do you take time to ‘smell the roses’? Do you take time to play pat a cake with Maryam or any of your other grandchildren?

How does your garden grow? How does Ami’s garden grow?

Have you lost the weight yet? Don’t tell me you gained more!

You know that your body is a trust and Allah will hold you accountable for taking care of it.

How’s the writing going? Did Larry King call for the interview yet? Is he still on the air???? What about 60 minutes???

Did you start Adnan yet???

Did you go for Hajj?

Do you feel any wiser?

Have you stopped making stupid mistakes?

I hope you still take good care of the family.

I hope you don’t consider yourself above all of that!

I hope you have patience with your children and their spouses and remember all the hardships you went through when you speak to them.

I hope you remember what you heard on Oprah and *don’t take things personally*!

I hope you haven’t gotten puffed up with pride.

And I hope you’re gentle with yourself when it’s good for you and kick yourself in the butt when it’s good for you. You know you need both!


Yourself at almost 48